When nobody's around

1 year

2008-03-13T21:18:00.003-07:00

It's been an entire year since you've left us. I can still remember all of the good times that we shared together, but right now the only thoughts that come to mind are of how much I miss you, and how much I want you to be here. I still feel that it isn't fair what happened to you, and that you're gone. I still cry when I read about the accident or think about how you were all alone.
But I know the day will come when I will stop crying, or I won't cry as hard. But I still miss you, I always will, and I love you.

You got it babe

2007-04-19T22:39:00.000-07:00

The worst feeling in life is knowing that you didn't give every thing your all. I can say that as a fact. I can see myself in 10 years looking back on my life wishing I had done things better or worked harder. However, life shouldn't be about regret. One important aspect of life is knowing that the time you spent on earth was worth while and meaningful.
Everyone has done it. Everyone has had those moments when they looked back on the decisions they've made and wondered if they really were right; whether that be for a moment in time or for the future. You think to yourself, "Is this really what I want?" or "Is this really what's best?" I thought the same thing on April 13th when I almost made a decision that I knew I would have regret forever.
And its amazing because all this time I thought that the decisions I would have to make would be made on my own. But a relationship that is adamant on pursuing growth and learning and loving requires decisions to be made together, it's anything but a one-person thing. In the past few months I have done that. I've met someone who I have grown with and learned with and shared things with (I'm getting to the other part :)). I'm very happy. So happy that I'm sitting here typing this composed blogg when really all I want to do is sit here and smile in bliss. But I hope that regardless of the doubt that we all may live with, just take comfort in knowing that it's already taken care of and you will be fine, just fine.

Ice-cream and cookies

2007-04-10T23:31:00.000-07:00

I'm not a chooser. I do not enjoy having to choose between two things that are good. I would rather have to choose between liver and lasagna. It's like choosing between Mrs. Fields chocolate chocolate cookies and chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. If I had it my way, I'd scoop the ice cream and have a bit of Mrs. Fields on top you know, to satisfy all 3 of us.
That's exactly who I've become. Exactly.
I remember vowing to myself, to never ever become that person. And now I'm stuck in a rut. I'm pretty sure if I decided to remove all of the cookie dough from the ice cream it wouldn't seem as appealing, it'd just be vanilla. And I'm sure that if Mrs. Fields cookies weren't as moist and scrumptious they'd taste the same as all of those other boxed cookies. But I can't do that, and I won't pick and choose.

You are who you are. I am who I am. You are who you are.
--------------------- I am who I am. ---------------------

That's what it's looking like right now..

Endgame

2007-04-07T18:57:00.000-07:00

Recently, I've been learning how to be me, with you and with her and with him, and them and him and her. What prompted this was the end of the school year. As sad as it is, we all know that the closer you get to the end, the more everything is packed with meaning.

Still, I remember the last time I talked to you, and told you I would see you when I got back. So clearly, I remember you driving me an hour to go to your favourite Mandarin restaurant even though it was on a school night. I remember that whenever we went to Harvey's you ordered an original Hamburger with onions and tomatoes, a senior coffee and a side order of milk, and you used to spill it all over the table. Then me, Leah and grandma would make smart comments about your smart mouth and how we didn't want sugar on what you called "fish cakes" even though they were obviously "potato pancakes."I remember every Christmas and every birthday and what was inside every envelope that you gave me marked Miss Dani Grant from Alvin Hoops. I remember you only feasting on potatoes every Christmas and I remember when I told you to stop smoking because it was bad for you. And after that, I remember grandma putting that red sticky on her door that said no smoking even though you'd already quit. I remember being proud of you for doing that even though you'd sit outside with Uncle Brian say "I've just come outside to smell the smoke, not to smoke the smoke. I promise." I remember every one of your grunts and laughs and that yucky handkerchief that you kept in your pocket. I remember. I remember everything and every moment, and I will remember and I choose not to forget even though the end came, and became the endgame.

So the end is not the end, its just a pause, or a semicolon, or a way for me not to forget, but for me to always remember.

Fairy Tales

2007-04-04T13:50:00.000-07:00

"But I want you to know, even when things are at its worst between us, please don't give up on what we have."

These days it seems like it came straight from the big screen.

Whatever you say Danny Boy.

2 in 1

2007-03-23T18:56:00.000-07:00

Pt I: Memories
I was on the 117 today minding my own until I saw you. And when I saw him I couldn't help but be happy because I thought you were gone forever. But God and his goodness, gave me one more chance to say goodbye because he knows how much I miss him and how much I need him to know that I love him and care about him. I know that you loved us and thought of us as your own because that's what you told others. I just really miss you. It's hard not knowing that you're not here. I haven't heard anything back from you but please God just this one favour.

Pt II: It is what it is, but it ended as a soap opera.

I’m sorry I couldn’t stop crying, but I care too much about you.

And it’s just so hard now because I know what we had was real, and just as I had imagined them to be: the feelings were genuine and mutual and romantic and just everything good.

I’m almost certain that what happened was one of the most adult things I’ve done since I have been here. It was the hardest, and like God tells his children, he does things that we may not understand. Regardless of if I understand or not, I will try not to be selfish and think of myself. I’m going to try my best to see the best out of this sad situation. And I will grow, and so will you, and we will learn new things—although not together.

It's so crazy how things change in the matter of a few days.

Please, if you can

2007-03-17T21:32:00.000-07:00

I remember praying in that hospital room and asking for your will. I remember pleading with you for one more chance at life and I recall crying so much that I couldn’t pray out loud, so I prayed in my heart instead.
Like always, I received your will, not mine. I knew you had power to do the unthinkable: a miracle, but he slipped away, just as it was to happen.
And now I’m sad because he isn’t here anymore and I am. He’s supposed to be here. He was supposed to be here until I was gone because that’s how it all went in my head.

Once again, it’s your will and not mine. However, until I understand what happened I need to be sad for a bit. I’ll try my best to take comfort in knowing that you know best and have chosen to follow through with your will.

You are just so good to me through all of this. You have provided me with comfort in my friends and family, and I am so grateful for that. Thank you. But please God, take care of him. And if there is any chance that you change your mind, let me know.

Beginning

2007-03-06T11:48:00.000-08:00

I know that I have to jump. But before I do, I just want to make sure that things are as they should be. I need to make sure that feelings are left behind and rationality has taken its place.
Aside from all of the other things that I thought I would know about university prior to arriving here, one of the most thrilling things is knowing is that you are able to start fresh. I think at the beginning I felt more a fear of not being the same person that I was in high school. But I have come realize that its okay. I've learned that sometimes you have to go with it, and just be yourself in the hopes that someone else will be okay with you. And I'm really happy that I have found people that are, and someone that is okay with that.

"To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead."
-Bertrand Russell

Running fast

2007-02-28T09:22:00.000-08:00

"You can hide the pain you feel, and make others believe that you can move on. But you can never deny the truth to yourself, that the person who has failed you and hurt you, is still the one person you will always choose to love" - Anonymous

Be able to jump. And when you're ready to take that leap, don't run away from something that you deserve.

You know

2007-02-26T09:22:00.000-08:00

"I wont sit here plotting ways to help you, love you or even associate myself with you anymore because the truth of the matter is actually quite simple: Even perfection isn't good enough for you."
You are just so right. So, so right.

Anyways..
You, being the one person that I just can't get enough of deserve to know how much I adore you. But don't worry, me telling you is futile because I know, that I will find something small and stupid to hate about you. And after that I will probably get sick of you and push you aside just with all of the others, because I will just never be good enough for you. So cherish my adoration while it lasts, it takes something 'really real' to tie me down.

Good luck

Be better

2007-02-21T19:40:00.001-08:00

"For when there is a question as to whether a man is good, one does not ask what he believes, or what he hopes, but what he loves.” He pushes us at a crucial point: true discipleship is not a matter of having the right ideas in my head, but of having a heart that loves God and loves what God loves."
...
"The college years are critical years as so much of who you will be, what you will believe, and how you will live for the rest of life, is being shaped. For you who are serious about God and the worldview that grows out of the word of God, listen and learn to the saints who have gone before you. And above all, make sure that your every experience as a student — every class you take, every book you read, every friend you make — serves to deepen your love for what God loves. That is what the college years are really all about."

http://www.boundless.org/1999/features/a0000021.html

I am almost certain that I know I have to change things. I have to surround myself with better people and fix things inside to be a better person. I refuse to be complacent with my life because I'm not lazy and I because I want better.

Okay

2007-02-11T22:28:00.000-08:00

Remember when we took the subway to Union Station only to wait an hour in the hot sun? Remember when we got home at 1 and my dad had to drive you home? Remember that night when you felt the exact same way that I did?

I have become so helpless that the only thing, whether it be smart or not, is to give it up. There is nothing else that I can do to change your mind. And besides, why would I want you to do that? Those are feelings only based on pity and forced love. There's no such thing as forced love, that's not love, it's called pity. I hate pity.

But I know that even if I could change your mind, things would have worked out the way I wanted them to, not yours. And if I forced you to love me, the only thing I would feel was embarrassment. I like your love the way it is and I trust you enough to make the right decisions. Because I know what you have is better than what I could ever give and I AM willing to wait for that.

I know you're good where you are. I won't pretend not to care anymore, it's too hard.

D

Slacking off..

2007-02-02T21:50:00.000-08:00

Don't you dare pretend like you don't know. You miss it just as much as I do. I know, because I you used to tell me, "I miss you." I feel the same..

Too much love

2007-02-01T13:31:00.000-08:00

"Harmonizing the heart and brain through love is what can establish a complete intelligence, a complete self, where a child can look at life and realize there are no dead ends, there are always possibilities. The greatest gift a parent can give a child during all the ups and downs of life is love."-- Doc Childre

9:31 PM me: im sorry that you worry about me, but i have to tell you about these things you know
9:35 PM Loida: i do not mind hearing them and i am glad that you are telling me all this but it is hard because i can not fight for you. i know you don't want me to fight for you but i want to yank her hair until it is all gone. i think you have to learn to give it up when it is not working b4 it is too late in the future. i know you are inexperienced right now but i sure hope that you are picking up fast for your sake. don't need for you to be mad all the time, it is not you at all. I love you too much it hurts to hear you not happy.
9:37 PM me: i know
9:45 PM me: mommy i miss you soo much
9:47 PM Loida: i miss you too. did you feel it i just gave you a big hug!

Some quotes just do it for me. Aside from sacrifice and selfless giving, it's true: a parent's love is just enough. My roommate says that when I'm on the phone she never knows who I'm talking to: my mom, or my friend. Both I told her. And then she gave one of those weird looks that she always does implying that what I just said was ludicrous. I've accepted the fact that she's weird too though, very weird. So I guess that means we're even. However, she always likes to outshine me!

Too much, too much

Because.

2007-01-27T20:18:00.001-08:00

I will never be ready to lose it completely

It's just like that.

2007-01-22T16:46:00.000-08:00

"Besides, what's a few miles in the face of our friendship."- DL

I've gotten to the point where I just know. You know, it's that place, of complacency. Not in a bad way, but I'm satisfied with what I have. Not only because I know what I have is good, but it's because it's the best for me. I know that I have those good people around me, supporting me, and helping me be better. And I'm satisfied for once.
I'm sure soon, very soon, I will be challenged. But I'm okay with that because I know that I can only go up once I'm down. And because I've got to be tested in order to truly believe in myself.

And I'm joyful. Not happy, but joyful!

Try

2007-01-21T17:32:00.000-08:00

Somebody once said "making different choices gives you the opportunity to live a different life". And maybe if I didn't choose to be friendly, she would have been more selfish.
And maybe if I wasn't so needy we would still have each other.
And maybe if I gave more, instead of receiving, or loved more instead of hating, or being that, instead of being this, things would have worked out they way I wanted them too. And then I remember that it's not about me, but it's about you. I keep forgetting that.

So, I'm recognizing the choice I'm given and I'm going to take it.

It’s not about what you were, its about who you will become. It isn’t about what you want to be, but more so about what you’ll do when you get there. But you just have to keep pushing until you get there. And you will get there. You will.